I'll Take Humility for a $1000 Please.

A year ago last December, Jonathan and I were just beginning. We had been dating only a few weeks when Jonathan told me about his “word for the year.” The idea is to choose a word, ideally a characteristic of God or Christian principle, and let that one word be your focus for the year. Jonathan’s word was stewardship, and the year before, patience. It seemed like a simple enough concept.

So, one sunny December afternoon, while driving with the windows down, the birds singing, wind blowing through my hair, I uttered these fateful words: “Lord, all the good things I am, are because of you, all the things I like about myself are the qualities you have given me. May I always appreciate that gift. May I always be humble enough to recognize who You have made me to be...” and it struck me… “Lord, I ask that humility be my word for the year.” And there it was. I had unknowingly sent my life in a completely different direction.

You see, God is always willing to answer those prayers—the break me, grow me, humble me prayers. So suddenly there I was dating Jonathan and every ounce of my self-esteem, it seemed had been sucked out of me. My usual self-confidence was wavering, my insecurities were mounting. Within weeks of praying that prayer I was fired from two jobs. I had never been fired from a job in my life. Soon after that, in a desperate move to “makeover” myself I cut off all my hair. I cried. Each morning when I stepped to the mirror I would fight back tears. How did this happen? Why did I look like a boy elf? Why, in my engagement to my future husband, was I looking and feeling my very worst?

Relationships with close friends began dissolving. Tensions grew between me and people I truly loved. Again and again, the Lord reminded me of my need to persevere and to recognize that my value was not tied to my job, or my haircut, or even my relationships with friends for that matter. It was all Him. And moreover, He was preparing me for marriage in a way I was unable to fully see... yet.

Kathy, my mother-in-law, at one point during this time asked me, “How is everything?” I thought for a moment. “Well, it feels like my life is falling apart. But Jonathan and I are great.” And there was the reality. In the midst of my ugliness, feeling beaten down, even hopeless at times, Jonathan was always Jonathan. While I was sad, grumpy, lacking confidence, and tired, he was supportive, encouraging, loving, forgiving, and patient. Our relationship never suffered. It flourished. God took my brokenness and started rebuilding. He took my willingness and began renewing. The process is not over. The year is not over.

I have discovered more and more ways that the Lord desires to grow me in my humility, most of them through my new marriage. I quickly realized that my heart and desire to serve Jonathan is linked explicitly to my desire to humble myself. My desire to humble myself is linked wholly to my view of myself against God. If I am nothing except for the wonderful things He has made me, well then, even when it does not feel like it, I am quite beautiful indeed, just like Jesus and Jonathan tell me.

But I will say this. Next year’s word: joy.